The unkempt you (Weekly blog challenge)

There is a Hindi film song which says Hone Do dil ko Fanaa… which means let the heart become ecstatic…  let the ecstasy destroy you.. whats the big deal ? That is life in authentic terms..

 

I’m an incoherent lunatic who thinks she is this fantastic writer that was ever born. There you go. Radical authenticity elucidation.. okay I don’t always sound insane. I mostly make sense but I just have too many things to say that they all react together to produce an assortment of unfathomable things.

They seem like there is no connection from one thought to another. But there is an inexplicable connection indeed. Being authentic can sometimes make you look like you have totally lost it. But those who know you and can be as crazily real as you would know how blissful it is to be so ‘Real’.

Being real is an honor which the world often doesn’t reward. The real prize is your freedom and the sense of belonging to yourself and nothing else in the world.

It is a risk to be authentic. To be or not to be. A risk which can make you open to criticism and judgements yet thou shall be what you are no matter what. No matter whatever happens in tour life, if you stop being yourself, there is no point in living.
I feel unusually depressed offlate. A confession. I have a feeling that Im not being myself completely out of the fear of getting hurt. There is something in me which is pulling me back from experiencing life to the whole. I don’t know what it is. The thing that protects me also is the biggest curse of my happiness. The thing is fear and resistance. Resistance to change.

There are many deep seated insecurities within me. Whatever I fear usually happens in some form or the other.. The need to be perfect and say the right thing keeps me from being completely authentic. Sometimes I feel maybe I am fake. I am not the one whom I think I am. I always felt I am totally different from everyone. Maybe I was always the same as everyone. In a bid to be different from the rest I have made a fool of myself so many times and in the end have come across as a laughing riot.
I have hurt my soul.

What happens when you die ? You stop being human. You are a soul.
I just read something right now. It’s the most authentic thing I ever read and the energy in my fingers is trying to reach out to the collective energy of all you writers and bloggers here in WordPress.
Michel Singer’s book The Untethered Soul has a line which says you are conscious and you are experiencing what it is like to be human. That like caught my attention and I felt a pricky sensation. I felt as if Im just energy and my skin is a medium so that the flux can flow through it.

Who am I ? Am I the girl who is writing this blog ? Or am I someone else who claims to be a blogger but hardly knows the ‘W’ of writing. Am I someone who wants to show off in WordPress that she can write ? Am I writing for pleasure or for seeking attention ?

Identity fatigue isn’t a new concept. I always felt there is a fissure between the self I portray to others and the self that I keep only to myself when Im alone.
This fatigue has actually many a time overtaken my happiness. It has deterred me from being myself. I get scared when experience a sensation that is out of my grasp. Let us say : the moment I start getting attached to someone or start caring for them.
Its not easy to be radically authentic in a world which is getting emotionally drained out with every passing day. Intensity scares people off. If you show tour real self to the world, you are branded as insane. If you don’t and appear self-guarded then you are blamed to be politically correct.

A guy calls you unromantic simply because you withhold your emotions. The moment you start opening up to him and start being yourself with him, he starts being evasive and avoids you. One final day, he says I didn’t feel the connect with you. He severs all possible way of connection and acts so indifferent and cold that you lose faith in the value for emotions.

In short, it is hypocrisy that comes in the way of radical authenticity. The problem came when I expected people to acknowledge me for my authenticity. Why should they ? I am real for the sake of my own self. It isn’t to show others that I need to lauded for being authentic.

People who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind what you say or the way you are. This popular saying goes all the way to explain this concept of being authentic.
Don’t feign anything. Impressions are best reserved for professional purposes.
Human interactions and bonding need the real ‘you’.
You won’t feel connected to anyone if you suppress your true self. It might cause you pain and a few may run away from you when you exhibit your true self. But the ones who stay back with you are the people who treasure your authenticity.