Bungee jumping might give less goosebumps than the thought of committing to someone in a relationship!! There are people who cannot love anyone outside of their immediate family like parents and relatives. They feel unstable when feelings in their heart rise for someone else. Below all that facade of independence that you exude sometimes, do you think there is this intense fear of commitment?
Everlasting Love. Butterflies in your stomach. Anxiety and insecurities. Loyalty. Being available for someone whenever they need you. These all come naturally with the terrain of being committed in a relationship. Not all are ready to take that strike.
Why are many terrified from being committed to someone?
Relationships are not everyone’s cup of tea. Commitment is a serious business and loving is daring. Commitment phobia is inevitable due to several humane reasons.
- Losing one’s sense of self definitely sends shivers down one’s spine. You are not the same anymore once you are committed. Period. It is like a part of you belongs to someone else. You act and feel in a way that makes you feel like bonkers later.
“Yeah I’m not good at this stuff. Talking, communicating, relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I’d become a weird scary version of myself and my throat starts constricting, the walls start throbbing. It’s like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.” Emma says to Adam in the movie No strings Attached when he asks her as to why she never called him back after their one night stand.
- When someone you love betrays you can take a long time to heal. Your ability to see the world as kind and loving is shattered. Committing yourself to somebody can be a gratifying feeling but the truth is once your feelings have been taken for granted and abused, you feel that outcome of your future relationship will be even worse than earlier.
Commitment can get scary when you find that the other person is not devoted as much to you as you are and trivializes the relationship. Trusting someone the next time can be really hard.
- You need to put your eggs in all the baskets. This is the motto followed by many in this generation, not only in job opportunities but also in prospective relationships. So a person might be commitment phobic as she fears that by committing to one person, her hopes of finding a better person are dashed. They feel you are not allowed to date other people if you are committed. It is like you are caged and your wings are clipped.
There is a sense of being tied down when one is committed so that could be also a sufficient reason not to be committed. It prevents you from falling in love again and finding someone better of your ilk.
- The fear of being responsible can be overwhelming when you are too busy simply keeping your own world together. “Well, I personally reckon that making commitments in a relationship requires one to shoulder a lot of responsibilities and have someone to be answerable to. So basically people who shy away from commitments are the ones who shy away from responsibilities…for various reasons…be it losing out on personal freedom, family issues, financial constraints etc..What people need to understand is that when you enter a relationship and it sails smoothly for a considerable period of time, the next step of action is expected to be giving a commitment. So one must weigh the pros and cons of the relationship before thou enter into one.” says Suhail Ali, an SAP analyst in Cognizant Technology Solutions.
- Confusing excitement with anxiety is one of the forms of commitment phobia. When this happens, many people end a potential love interest even before it begins. You may feel nervous in the anticipation of meeting someone new but instead of reading that feeling as exhilaration you mistake it as anxiousness. This kind of ambiguity makes you throw in the towel even before you meet the other person as anxiety and excitement often feel same to the body.
- Risk of being let down always bogs you down. When you open the recesses of your heart to somebody, you allow yourself to be vulnerable and you give the other person power to hurt you. So committing to a person who you are not sure will value your time and energy is risky. You are no longer in the safe harbor once you are committed. You are going to invest a lot of emotions on a person who need not reciprocate it on the same level. One has to be faithful even when times are rough at times. You have to stick to the person even when he or she treats you less to give another chance.
- Freedom is in jeopardy when you are committed. When you are independent by nature and like to make your own decisions, being committed requires you to listen to your partner. Committing to someone is going to make you give up on something which you loved doing as a bachelor or spinster. For instance, you loved to check out every new crush when you were single and had a chance to hit on them and flatter them. It gave you sense of ecstasy. That is no more. As the age old saying goes, being committed means losing out on the admiration of many for the criticism of one person.
- You are not enough into the person, so don’t think of commitment. You may like someone as a fun person to date but never thought of him or her as a long-term partner in the future in terms of settling down. The future is uncertain especially with the fickle minded nature of today’s crowd. One does not know what one likes in a person to pursue a long-term relationship. Often it takes a couple of years before you realize you never loved that person. So why commit to someone when you are going to break-up anyway soon?
- It is just a matter of conquest. Who wants intimacy as it hurts so much? It is easier to be a playboy or a playgirl than a sincere lover. There is a wicked sense of achievement in garnering attention from every possible crush or love interest. Intimacy scares off many and no one wants to feel the depth in a relationship. Some prefer to keep a list of partners on the radar as a back-up incase of a failed relationship.
Nip the whatsoever root cause of commitment phobia in the bud! You can open your self-imposed prison and walk through your life with an open heart. To stay closed off from commitments in relationship is only going to make your life smaller and seemingly safer.